Whispers and Screams.

On the outside a sort of calmness and a version of peace is radiating. What many would call a genuine smile shows up consistently. Questions are asked and responses are given that are nothing short of intentional and caring. There is a unanimous assumption that she is doing just fine. Better than fine, she is thriving. Thriving in her relationships, thriving in her day to day, even thriving in what most cannot; in her finances and food habits, yes, even in her exercise routine...they assume. 

But inside. Inside, a storm is pursuing her, so big and chaotic and relentless that, like in a hurricane, she often cannot control the aftermath. Arrows of defeating thoughts pierce her every minute. The thunder never ceases, reminding her that this storm is one that does not go away. Lighting strikes, bringing light to the already big and untameable problems in her life. 

And it's breaking her, every day. 

What can she do?  How can she tell her audience in life that what they see is the opposite of what she is experiencing on the inside? They believe the peace, the "calm in the storm",  and they like it. They like her like that. They want her like that. They are happy with clean. Happy with problem free. The outside whispers peace but the inside screams for help. 

With others, she is present. She is happy. She is content. She is beauty. She is hopeful..

..they assume. 

Alone, she is broken, sinful, angry, hurt, incapable, gross, and without hope. 

The storm continues, wild and persistent. Her thoughts continue to roll film, over and over. It feels overwhelming, unending, and she is without a way of escape. 

So, she will continue to struggle. Running against the wind and chasing an image of perfection that she was never supposed to fit. She will become exhausted over and over again by the constant pursuit of perfection, of showing others that she is in fact, fine. Her outside will continue to whisper that she has it all together. She will continue to answer the every now and then questions of, "How are you?" by smiling and saying things like, "It is hard, but God is good!" With a moment's acknowledgement of the hard things, she will retreat to "peace." 

"They like the peace, remember? They need you perfect and strong. You cannot fail them now!" 

She agrees as she smiles the day away, whispering joy and whispering perfection to all the people she comes into contact with. She will welcome others' brokenness, she will want to hear their hearts. She will want to comfort them, at least she doesn't have to think about or talk about 'the storm.' 

For herself, she will run. Run from the storm, in an effort to keep the peace. Her retreating leaves others wondering if she is okay. When they ask, she must continue to show them that "peace" still is here.

The inside is screaming for a soul to understand. Screaming to be seen and to be heard. Screaming for a savior from the constant thoughts, the persistent storm, and the brokenness. Inside, she is screaming for a hand to hold, for a warm embrace, and for someone to sit with her. She wants to show them the storm, she wants to invite them in, for she loves them and doesn't know if she can go on much longer. 

There is one thing in the whispers and screams. 

It is her Pursuer. 

In her running, she is pursued. Yes, pursued. Pursued in her breaking, in her crying, in her hurting, in her avoiding, in her selfishness, in her grossness, in her incapability, in her anger, and in her fighting,  p u r s u e d. 

Like a light in the night time her Pursuer comes. 

Yes, He arrives.

He finds her nearly sinking, gasping for air in the persistence of "fine", in the pursuit of perfect, and in the lifestyle of "peace".  

He reaches for her hand, pulls her out, and carries her to shore, in the middle of the storm, waves, wind, rain, thunder, and lighting. 

There on the shore, there is peace. There is hope. Yes, it is raining and it is storming, but He, her Pursuer is here. And it is well. 

He speaks to her and teaches her the Way. He shows her a new way of life. A new mind He gives her, a new heart. 

Redeemed and renewed, she sits with Him. His touch is enough. 

Now, she walks with Him. Though she can no longer see Him, she can feel Him and she knows He is there. 

Now, in the storm, in the chaos and pain and trouble of life, she listens for His voice. 

"It is not good for man to be alone." 

She runs to hug them. She opens her arms to them. She shares her heart with them. They hear, they weep, and they stay. They don't understand, but they sit and they love. 

"You are imperfect but made new in Me. You are Mine."

Now, she walks and talks with a genuine smile of Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love. These are what He gave her to live. He took her perfection, her obsession, and He gave her Himself. 

Now she can share her brokenness, her imperfection, because she sees that it was never truly about her. She doesn't care much about herself anymore. She has found a Pursuer worthy of attention. Worthy of glory. 

Worthy of her life.

The outside now whispers "I" and the inside whispers "AM". 

And that is enough. 

~Ash